One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
You Might Also Like
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
How to properly lift a body
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”