Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
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Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by