Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
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Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast