Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
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According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Midwest trash talk
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?