It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
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My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Godspeed, John Glenn
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.