If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
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when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.