Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
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Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
This will never not be funny 😭
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.