A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
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“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
.
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.