One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
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The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.