getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
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My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
what does he know…
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Netflix and you sit over there.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat