I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
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I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.