My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
You Might Also Like
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Very good news from my accountant
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
titanic
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.