Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
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*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
S O O N
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I need to get some bricks…
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of