idk flipping houses looks really hard
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me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Ooops wrong house😂😜
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.