‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
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every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
I didn’t realize that was an option
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.