While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
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My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.