Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
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mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
When I said I liked it rough.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?