I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
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BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Come back with a warrant
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.