Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
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when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Growing up was a huge mistake
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.