oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
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Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
absolutely not
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Husband of the year 😂
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.