PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
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My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.