i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
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United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
marvel comics have peaked
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.