me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
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Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.