Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
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I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
#MeanwhileInCanada
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…