I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
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My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.