I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
You Might Also Like
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes