Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
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I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I just tested negative for patience.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.