My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
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[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Investing in beetcoin
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout