Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
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I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.