People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
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Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here