[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
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Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.