[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
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A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
The 6 types of sex
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.