Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
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CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
The options really are this bad
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant