“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
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If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Bike for sale
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.