“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
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Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Air conditioning – not a fan
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.