The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
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Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)