My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
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Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital