Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
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Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
found this cool rock hiking today
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot