Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
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FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
You’ll be OK
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Why can’t mirrors be nicer