We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
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[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
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I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Greeting humans vs their dogs
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.