Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.