The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
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When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
That was easy.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.