dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
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If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time