[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
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Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”