Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
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My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Check out the legs on this baby
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Yup
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
December birthdays be like…
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock