i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
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[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”