Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
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daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Friday
smh
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.