Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
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I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it