Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
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“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
I need to update my racial profile.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card