Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
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Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Never forget.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian